Friends for 10 years, dating for 3 and now we’re engaged. Should we still do premarital counseling?

Dear Dave,

My girlfriend and I dated exclusively for three years before I asked her to marry me. Before that, we were great friends for almost 10 years. It seems like we know everything there is to know about each other. In our situation, would you still recommend pre-marital counseling before the wedding?

Grant

Dear Grant,

I’m a big believer in pre-marital counseling, no matter how long a couple has been dating or how long they’ve known each other. In my mind, in-depth, detailed pre-marital counseling is an absolute must. I mean, you wouldn’t try to run a marathon without adequate preparation, right? So, why on earth would you promise yourself to someone else in something that’s supposed to last a lifetime without properly preparing yourself?

Please understand, when I say pre-marital counseling, I’m not talking about one hour-long meeting, shaking hands with the preacher and everything’s good to go. I mean getting into the important parts of life that every couple should agree on. It’s been my experience that most couples stand a really good chance of having a successful marriage when they agree in detail on four things ahead of time. I’m talking about money, kids, religion and in-laws.

When it comes to money, find out who’s the spender and who’s the saver. Be honest, no matter how embarrassing everything may be, and construct a game plan for your finances you both agree on that includes living on a written, monthly budget. With kids, the big question is do you want them or not? If so, how many? When? Are you on the same page when it comes to teaching them and applying discipline?

Next, be in agreement on religion. Statistically speaking, two people from the same faith have a much better chance of making a marriage work. And finally, when it comes to your future in-laws, you both need to know what you’re getting into. What are they really like—the good and the bad—and where are the boundaries when it comes to their influence in your lives?

Grant, everyone has a past. And we all have opinions. But to have the best chance at a long, strong and happy marriage, these issues should be talked about, dealt with and agreed upon before you’re pronounced husband and wife.

— Dave

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