‘There’s more in the world than just taking your life’: Abilene survivors of attempted suicide speak out

ABILENE, Texas (KTAB/KRBC)- Suicide is a battle waged in silence, often from those struggling with negative thoughts while the ones around them that may have no idea the pain their loved one is going through. It’s a difficult topic that is altogether easier to avoid, but it’s when we lean in to the uncomfortable conversations and break the silence, that lives are saved. Two Abilene men speaking with KTAB/KRBC about their journeys of self realization, each of them attempting, or coming very near to attempting suicide just two decades ago.

In 1998, Quinten Billington was living in Amarillo. Just 23 years old at the time, he says his relationship was becoming more and more abusive, and he had difficulty seeing a way out.

“If someone continues telling you that the same thing over and over, you start believing it. And so, I started believing that I was ignorant. I was stupid…I would reach out and people would say ‘just hang in there, things will get better’, but things just constantly got worse. Then I got embarrassed cuz I didn’t know how to tell them what was going on. The abuse just got worse and worse and worse until I took my life into my own hands,” Billington said.

In October 2000, Billington drove deep into the night looking for an escape from the physical and mental abuse he had waiting for back home. Around midnight, he found himself standing on a bridge with train tracks below.

“I already knew at that time what I was gonna do. I looked over. I said ‘God, please watch over me. Take care of me.’ When I jumped off the bridge, I blacked out,” said Billington.

The fall broke two vertebrae in his spine. For hours, he laid on the cold ground trying to crawl back to his car. Then a passing trucker came along and saw him, calling out then rushing away for help.

Billington says the next thing he remembers was two weeks later when he woke up in the ICU. Members of his family, such as his sister Georgia, came time and time again to see him through the recovery and reassure him that they would be there to help heal the wounds they didn’t even know he had, both physical and mental.

“My family is so supportive of me, and they would have been if I had opened up more,” Billington said.

Eight years later and more than 200 miles south of Amarillo, Brody Powell was a 19-year-old student at Hardin Simmons University. As a star tennis player, accomplished student, and involved member of the church, Powell says he presented a happy and healthy public face. However, a very different narrative was at play when he would find himself alone.

“Some of those thoughts that would happen would be ‘you’re such a burden, no one would care if you were gone’…The thing is no one would have ever known…Whenever I was around people, I could be happy, but whenever I was by myself it was soul crushing depression,” said Powell.

In November of that year, Powell sat on the ledge of one of the buildings contemplating ending his life. For his interview with KTAB/KRBC, Powell returned to that rooftop to face that same ledge.

“It’s tough. When I look over the ledge here, my heart races, and I know this isn’t the tallest building in the world, but I remember thinking to myself, just as I dove into the Hardin Simmons pool, often head-first, I felt like I could dive into this cobblestone head-first and maybe the pain would be over soon,” Powell said.

“While I was sitting up there, I gave a desperate ‘God if you’re even there’, and a friend called me. He said ‘I felt like God wanted me to give you a call. Do you have any plans for dinner tonight’? No, I didn’t have any plans at all. That night at dinner, my friend, he showed vulnerability. He had no idea he was calling someone that was suicidal, but he started saying, ‘I feel like God wants me to share with you that about this time last year, I was depressed an suicidal’,” said Powell.

It was that vulnerability, and willingness to reach out that Powell says he has connected with deeply. His decision to step away from the ledge that day and go have dinner with his friend leading him down a path he says he could not have imagined when he was 19.

Now Powell is a licensed Professional Counselor. To date, he has helped 227 people in the Abilene-Big Country area talk through and overcome their intrusive thoughts of suicide or self-harm.

“Vulnerability had not been a part of my story at all. I had to wear a church mask, I was a golden boy, I had all this good… At 19 I wasn’t willing to give up that reputation even though my soul needed it…Vulnerability feels like weakness, but if people can hone in on that and know that vulnerability does equal bravery, it’s so helpful in starting to plant that seed of hope,” Powell said.

A seed of hope, that with care can grow into a life beyond the fear and pain that bring so many to that ledge. Powell saying no matter if it comes through the courage to speak up when you’re struggling, or the comfort of having a loved one check in on you, lives will be saved, and lives will be changed by the actions.

“I wanted to put a period on my life, but I feel like God put a semicolon…When I have someone sitting on the couch across from me I tell them. Most people with suicidal thoughts. They don’t necessarily want to die. They just don’t want to keep living like this. And might that be true for you too? If they say yes the we can start changing their life,” said Powell.

And while the path to a different life may seem an insurmountable task, both Powell and Billington are living proof that change is possible, and the story doesn’t have to end with the pain, Billington pointing to a small Lego car on his shelf that holds a deep meaning in his journey of growth, each Brick representing roughly $110 that he was able to pay towards his debt, which had been a major pressure in his life and he had set a goal to pay it off after his attempt.

“It’s not just a Lego…that is a constant reminder…piece by piece you can find your happiness and keep going there’s more in the world than just taking your life,” Billington said.

Powell explaining that, step-by-step, change is possible each piece building on the last. Steps that Powell says could begin with, “getting into counseling. Having a vulnerable conversation with a friend. Admitting to someone that you’re struggling.”

When asked what message he would like to share with those who may be struggling today, Billington said, “I almost let go but I didn’t I am here today to let you know. You got this.”

If you or someone you know are struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide help is avalible. The Suicide and crisis hotline is avalible for calls text or chat 24/7 by dialing 9-8-8. And Powel encourages all those in need of someone to talk through their feelings with, to visit the Psychology Today website, where you can find professional therapists and counselors in your area.