Miss Manners: Their bossy invitation prohibited certain opinions — like mine

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My great-nephew and his wife are having a baby. The following statement was put on their shower invitation:

“Masks are not required or needed, but if you think it is necessary, wear one. We want to discourage anyone from talking about politics, and please keep your virus opinions to yourself. If you have trouble starting a conversation, ask us: We can suggest things to talk about.”

I was deeply offended. I am very political, but am mature enough to know when and when not to talk about it. My daughter was also offended. We feel we were singled out because we are the only Democrats in our family and their group of friends.

GENTLE READER: Being both very political and mature enough not to talk about it at every occasion is an unusual combination these days.

Miss Manners says this not because she doubts you, but to remind you how desperate modern hosts are to protect their guests from one another. She therefore urges you to take this bossy invitation (which she does not, for the record, condone) stoically — assuming that everyone received similar instructions, and overlooking the rudeness of criticizing others’ anticipated manners.

However, as masks are optional, you may not want to accept anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to respond to “How are you?” or “How is your day going?” questions with a polite “I’m doing well, how are you?” response.

However, when I am greeted by someone at their job, such as a grocery clerk or a fast-food employee, I am loath to ask them the same questions — not only are they obligated by their jobs to ask me, but they can’t reply with something like, “Oh, I’m having a crap day, dealing with customers for minimum wage.”

So I now respond (against my upbringing) with, “I’m fine, thank you for asking.” But this seems rude, as if I couldn’t care less about them or how they are doing.

GENTLE READER: As a democratic society, we believe in the equality of persons. It is therefore jarring to recognize that there are situations in which the roles are unequal: boss and employee, teacher and student, parent and child, revered elder and smart-alecky youth — and customer and vendor.

The contradiction is more apparent as, over a lifetime, one expects to shift from role to role. Miss Manners therefore accepts your response, assuring you that it is not rude.

To a shopkeeper who thinks otherwise, she asks if, in asking you about your day, it is their hope to get a full-form response — or whether it would not be preferable to move on to the next customer and get on with the day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My uncle ordered a toaster for my husband and me as a gift, but before we received it, the toaster was discontinued and immediately converted to store credit.

How do we write a thank-you for a gift we never received? To say “thank you for the toaster” seems like lying, but to explain the situation seems unnecessary.

GENTLE READER: Thank your uncle for his gift and his thoughtfulness — with passion and conviction, but without further detail. This will make him think you forgot what he sent (hence the need for passion and conviction).

Unless he inquires further, you will have done your duty. If he does pursue the topic, there should be no embarrassment in telling him what actually happened.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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Author: Judith Martin

EastBayTimes